Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

The days since last Tuesday, when Jesse stopped gaining weight, have been some of the most trying in my life. Having a sick child can weaken you faster than any health issue of your own. We took a trip up to St. Louis with a lot of questions on our minds. What did these high enzyme levels mean? Were we going to be battling a chronic illness? Why is our little boy not gaining weight? Since Levi is a medical student, we know enough to be dangerous and not one of the diseases on the long list of those needing to be ruled out, were any good or easy to deal with; they were all pretty nasty.

We saw a gastrointestinal specialist at STL Children's Hospital. She had the sweetest heart and spent a lot of time with us going over test results and putting Jesse's history together. Basically, we found out that Jesse's enzymes were high because he was breaking down his fat stores; he was not getting enough nutrients from his feeding. He was, however, getting enough to stay hydrated and make poo. I was completely floored. I had been nursing him every three hours since the day he was born, it just didn't seem possible that he wasn't getting enough to eat! My heart was broken, as a mom; I had been doing everything possible for my little guy, but for a complicated interaction of many factors, it didn't equal a weight gain for Jesse. I also was overjoyed, as a mom, that there was nothing medically wrong with Jesse; he just needed to eat more! Talk about being on two ends of the emotional spectrum, which for me, ended in a puddle--or sea of tears. (I've had to drink extra water bottles to stay hydrated. Hehe.) 

While we were in STL, I got the chance to talk to a lactation specialist that really knew her stuff. I told her that Jesse would act satisfied after feedings, that he slept well, and would wake up when he was hungry. She said this is often what happens with babies with "easy" personalities and she explained to us that she saw babies like Jesse all the time in the NICU. They are so easy going that they would rather starve than let their parents know they are hungry! All of this caused my supply to go kaput so our lactation nurse helped us come up with a nutrition plan to help monitor Jesse's intake-- pumping every couple of hours and supplementing. 

This plan has made me feel like I'm the ringmaster of a three ring circus-- pump, feed, pump, wash bottles, change diaper, bathe child, pump, bathe self--if there's time, no one is crying, and Levi is home--, pump, feed...and this continues on. Levi has been so supportive during all this and has been taking over some of the night feedings. (The poor guy looks like a zombie when he wakes up...one night he actually fell down several stairs on the way to fix a bottle!) If anyone knows anything about pumping...you know that each drop is liquid gold! You tap the bottles for every single tiny drop and even then, wish your infant would lick the bottle. You don't want to see any of it go to waste. Anyway, Levi had fixed a bottle and was feeding Jesse and thought he had taken down a couple of ounces very fast, when he felt that Jesse was completely soaked. He had spilled 2 ounces on our child and I was MAD to the point of crying!! I was letting him know just how hard I had worked for those two ounces when we started laughing...enter the phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk." This phrase has stuck with me the last few days and has helped me remember to not feel discouraged or overwhelmed by this situation, but rather to wipe up the spill and move on. Don't look back, don't cry-- but put your head down and get to work!

I took Jesse in for his weight check today and as we walked toward the scale, our nurse told me we wanted to see 7 lbs 11 oz which would have been 1 oz per day. Levi had been praying for an "impressive" weight gain, and was I ever impressed!! Jesse had gained 22 oz! I was so excited and could not be more thankful to my ever faithful God and to an army of prayer warriors!!! God has heard our prayers and has answered with a resounding "YES, my child!" He reminded me-- Grace, I am keeping track of all your sorrows, I have collected all your tears in my bottle, I've recorded each one in my book. I am here for you, as I've always been, close enough to wipe the tears and to help you continue on. Check out Psalm 56:8-- he collects your tears too.