The Dawning and Beginning the Daniel Fast

Starting on January 12, our church challenged and called all of its (adult) members to a period of fasting and prayer for 21 days- The Dawning. To be quite honest, that terrified me- the food part, not the prayer part. I have never really given fasting much thought. In my mind, I kind of categorized it as something that was reserved for spiritual giants, pastors, or at least eccentric church members, but definitely not me…a stay at home mom- or in other adult time of my life, a student. Also, I didn't really know what a fast could be- I was totally thinking along the lines of Moses going without food and water for 40 days (and as I found out later- he and Jesus are the only two folks who participated in a "supernatural fast"). So, all that to say, I sort of have dismissed the idea of fasting and I haven't really ever given it much thought. This challenge has been the first time I've been formally and personally confronted with the idea. And since our entire church which includes our Lifegroup (Sunday School class) and a lot of my friends are participating, It was one of those times that I needed to do something with it. I felt like I couldn't just ignore the idea of fasting anymore. 

As far as preparing for the fast, I started with educating myself- I obviously had a few things wrong in my head. And by a few things, I mean almost everything. Anyway, our church put together a document that I feel encourages us as members to make personal decisions and encourages everyone to participate in some way. You can take a look at that here. Levi and I discussed the options and determined that the Daniel Fast (a partial fast) with a few modifications would be the best approach for us. Over the weekend we were really still floundering with what exactly would be on our menu for the week so I also downloaded a book called The Ultimate Guide to the Daniel Fast by Kristin Foula. You can link to that book here. My friend Ashley is also using that book, so I imagine we will be able to share our attempts with each other as the days continue on. The book gives a great background, a section of devotions during the fast, and a ton of straight forward recipes. After being a little bit more educated on the subject, I was able to quit the mind battle that was happening. And that felt so good. Here are some of thoughts (mostly apprehensions) that I was wrestling with (and honestly were still running through my head until the start). I included how God has already been working on answering these questions as well.

-I get irritable and impatient when I'm hungry, how am I ever going to be able to do this? 

In preparation and now with the fast starting I've been praying that God would use those hunger pangs to lead me to pray. It is still a decision that I'm making more than it is a habit, but I'm only a few days in right? Using the Daniel Fast guidelines provides a decent amount of food during the day, but the point is to cut the indulgence. Food becomes a way to sustain, rather than create satisfaction. In addition, hunger becomes a physical reminder of the choice I have made to worship in this way. Seeing the fasting as that- a chosen act of worship- has also helped me think in a positive way when I do feel hungry. Even just a couple of days into fasting has provided a strong physical/spiritual connection. So every time (perhaps even hourly) a thought of food comes to mind, it also brings Jesus to mind. Cool! 

-It seems like this is just a list of foods that you can and can't eat. Isn't that really just a list of rules for yourself? 

The food included is not literally what Daniel ate during his time of training and the entire point is not to be bound by rules or be legalistic about it. The idea of the fast is to make a change physically to remind us of something spiritually. It isn't about eat this/don't eat this, it's about a physical connection and making space for God. In addition to making a physical change, it is vital to see the idea of fasting through the lens of the New Testament, the lens of grace, which expels all rules. Which led to my next question…

-One of my very best friends is making a visit during the fast? What am I going to do about that? 

I've always been really hard on myself in just about every area of my life so, in this situation, it felt as if I'd be breaking a promise of some sort. One of the ways the Lord has been dealing with me lately is helping me to see his grace and having me extend that mercy to myself. So instead of seeing breaking the fast as a negative, I get to see a visit from friends as a blessing. Fasting is highly personal, even if you participate with a group. We decided that we will simply put it on hold for a few days. We'll do so knowing that Jesus will still be honored during that time as well.

-If I'm changing my diet won't I be thinking more about food than I do on a normal basis? And isn't less thought about food the whole point of the fast? 

When I was thinking about and preparing for the fast, I was very worried that because of the dietary changes I would be thinking more about the food I was preparing rather than creating more time for God in my life. Even though it is somewhat different than the way I eat normally and takes a bit more effort than my regular decisions, I have found my thoughts are turning to the Lord more and more. That, my friends, is where the blessing is to be found! 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

This is technically the second time I’ve written this post. I spent a few hours the first time and it didn’t save…and I really would like to scream, but everyone is asleep and that’d be immature and self control is a resolution of mine, HA.  This is a now an After-Midnight-on-New-Year's-Day-Christmas-post…Enjoy!

We have had a really great Christmas season. Levi has been saving his vacation time up for the last couple of years and had an abundance of time that we could spend in Hannibal with our families. So we packed up our car with incredibly too much gear and headed home. It’s been hard to be away from our own little home, but everyone has been so accommodating in making us comfortable. It’s been an exercise in flexibility and we’ve been treated to some of the most graceful hosting. I’m so thankful for that.

I wasn’t sure if Jesse was going to be interested in opening or playing with presents for Christmas. We tried to get him primed by letting him open presents during advent. My mom continued a tradition of giving small little gifts each day of advent. (Mind you, this was a pre-Pinterest tradition, so it gets more points.) For many years this has been a special way she has built anticipation and to celebrate. Jesse was so sweet on Christmas morning. He participated in opening a majority of his gifts, however in true baby fashion he was more excited about the paper, boxes, and ribbons than the gifts. He put on a pretty good show for us, smiling and giggling and exploring.

Jesse has really become quite the social and expressive little guy. We have loved seeing him interact with all of our loved ones. He has done a million and one cute things. One stands out in my mind- Jesse was drawn toward one little ornament at my parent’s house. He came up to it in his little walker and grabbed it off the tree. Then he paraded around the kitchen to show everyone what he had gotten. When he was finished he stuck the ornament back into the branches. He remembered and repeated his trick multiple times over 4 different days- with the same ornament every single time. It was just bizarre and adorable.  This was one of those decisive occurrences that demonstrates how much he has grown and matured. It just blows my mind.

This is the first time that I have posted pictures on a blog post, so I hope they show up correctly...

Papa with his sweeties. I love all these pictures of everyone holding the two babies. Aren't they precious??? 

 Jesse performing his ornament trick.

 Our little family after attending the Christmas Eve service at church.

Leaving cookies out for Santa. Jesse is sneaking some of his fuel… 

Jesse opening a gift. I love the look of concentration on his little face. 

Believe it or not this is the best picture I have of Jesse and his Great Gpa Jess. A combo of bad lighting and wriggling baby. 

Mimi always know what will be fun to look at! 

A majority of the "greats" with the babies.  

Nana with her grand babies. 

Usually during the Christmas season I have plenty of time to contemplate some of the beautiful ironies of Christmas, but this year was a little different. Instead of many thoughts swirling around in my mind, I’ve had just one. It comes from one line of a song from our Church’s Christmas Choir concert I participate in- “Glory Glory we have our Savior.” Its simple and it’s concise and it means everything to me. 

Here is our Christmas Card and letter to wrap up the past year--

Our dear loved ones,

            Well, I can hardly believe another year has passed, but it’s true. I find myself facing the crisp new pages of 2014; for the Strubes those pages are looking full and heavy. But first a bit about the year that’s coming to an end.

            Things started off with a bang! In January, my sister gave birth to my perfect niece, Kinsley Marie Fuller. Kate and Mike couldn’t be more blessed. That little girl stole my heart, and once she was born I spent my time thinking of ways I could hold her more. I was accused of being a baby hog, but I didn’t care. Levi was completing a rotation with a doctor in Hannibal, so that gave me a little extra time to spend with this precious little girl. Kinsley has spent the better part of the year with her hair sticking STRAIGHT up and warning us of milestones we should watch for in the baby that lives in our house. 

            We came home to Cape Girardeau at the end of January, and swore off all travel until Jesse arrived. He came a couple of weeks early, to my delight-- I feel for those who have to carry to 40 weeks and beyond…37.5 was enough for me! March 13, 2013 is one of those days that I will always remember- the day Jesse Paul was born. In all honesty, I actually can’t remember the difference between the 12^th, 13^th, and 14^th because I don’t think I slept more than a couple of hours- and I don’t care. I’d live all 72 of those hours without sleep again if it gave me Jesse. He has been such a joy to Levi and me. He’s funny and happy and my favorite thing ever. I won’t bore you with his milestones, but he’s hit every one early and we have a video/picture of Every. Single. One. I kid, but seriously-- we are blessed that God chose us to be Jesse’s parents and that he worked in the way He does to prepare us for this daunting yet fantastic task.

            This has really been Levi’s year. He’d never brag, but he also isn’t writing the letter, so…He has done a stellar job with his medical school rotations and has enjoyed each one. He passed all of his board exams. The results were posted in August and everyone was very happy that day! We also recently found out that he got his first choice for pediatric residency at Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma, WA. I’m so very proud of his hard work, the father he has become, and how perfectly he balances those two. He says, “I’ve never been happier.”

            I’ve been keeping busy making all kinds of handmade things, cooking, playing, and generally doing what mommies do—all my favorites. It’s a simple blessed season in my life and I’ve marked 2013 as a really great year; my best so far!

            Some other notable highpoints from 2013: Marrying off 4 of our best friends from college, many special visits with family, building wonderful friendships in Cape, both Levi and I being able to admit we are in our mid-twenties, visiting prospective residency locations in WA and TX, and attending our church every week that encourages spiritual health and growth.

Stand-by for our new address in May/June next year. We’ll be moving to Washington State!

Sending all our love to you

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas to all…(and now that it's past midnight--Happy New Year) and to all those still up, goodnight/morning or something like that. 

Our summer ramblings...and my ramblings about our ramblings

Oh the places we've called home this summer...starting I don't even know when, sometime this summer, we have been traveling here and there and back again...seriously, it has been positively wild-- just wild. Levi has been doing out rotations or audition rotations for his residency which will start next July. These rotations are basically 1 month long interviews. He has chosen to specialize in pediatrics-- and there are 4 different locations he can do his residency for the Army: Washington state, Hawaii, San Antonio, or Washington D.C. He got to choose two different places to audition (Washington State and San Antonio). While he was busy with those, I got to spend a lot of time in Hannibal with my family. My parents were gracious as always and had Jesse and me stay with them for quite a bit of the summer. So where exactly were we?

This really would be easier to write down in a list. 

Cape Girardeau-->Hannibal-->Washington State (4 day visit with Levi) -->Hannibal-->Cape Girardeau-->Hannibal-->San Antonio (2 week visit with Levi)-->Hannibal--> Cape Girardeau

I could add up the miles, but it is just as effective to say there were a lot traveled and a lot between Levi and me (and Jesse or course). We were on lots of airplanes and in the car a lot! 

A lot of the time we were gone, I felt very unsettled. I missed Levi, wanted to be with him, and felt like I was just spinning my wheels waiting for him. I missed my friends in Cape, but also wanted to make the most of the precious time I had with my family. Additionally, Levi and I got to visit a couple of the places we could be moving next year and we are just feeling settled in Cape. So of course in all of this, I got to think about what home means to me. 

What is home? Is it my house? or where my stuff is? my husband? my baby? my parents? where I lay my head? where I settle--even if it's a hotel room for a couple of weeks in San Antonio? or that vinyl chair in Terminal B with the lovely coffee smells of Starbucks drifting past? Or the seat I return to on the plane after changing a diaper on that questionably-safe-flip-down-changing-station? Yes, all those things and more! There are such cute quotes declaring Home is where ______(fill in the blank-- it seems it can mean almost anything). But it is hard to simplify it down to that level. My answer to the fill in the blank question is complicated, confusing, and contradicting. I'm pulled in many directions wanting to call home this or that. I have comforts that I enjoy now and again in different places, but a song I heard recently hit the nail on the head. Maybe it's not possible to simplify it down to one place in this life, but there is hope for that and that really makes me long for "home". Y'all listen to this song and tell me what is home for you?

Matthew West- The Reason for the World   

Motherhood: Pay It Forward

Levi and I got to go home this weekend for Mother's day and all of the Hannibal family was there to celebrate. Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day and it was extra special because I got to share it with my sister- and we both got to be with our mom! I don't really want to start any arguments by saying this, but...my sister and I have the very best mom in the entire world! THE BEST!! I wonder how many of you thought that yesterday too, or maybe your little ones (or big ones) wrote it on a card for you, or pulled you aside to tell you, or called you on the phone, or maybe you received that encouragement from a husband, a close friend, a sibling, or your own Mom. And isn't that just how it should be? What a beautiful relationship God has allowed us to have with the ones who we have known the longest. Moms are the best. THE BEST!!


Now that I am also a mother, I often have been reflecting on what my mom did that was so special-what catapulted her from being mediocre to incredible- those things that I want to do my best to do for my child (children?). I'm going to limit myself here, but seriously, I could go on and on. This clearly is not anywhere near an exhaustive list of the things my mom has been for me. 

Lead your children to Christ- I grew up in a home where we went to church every Sunday, but our conversations about Christ never ever ended as we walked out the church doors. When I think about my parent's role in my salvation, I think of them as a chauffeur, someone who knew more, that came along side and said this is how you live in faith. They shared the good news with my sister and me. I remember the day that my sister and I both asked Jesus to be our personal Savior. It was in the summer and my sister and I were sitting at the table and my mom had just finished doing a Bible lesson with us. She asked us directly, “Would you like to pray and ask Jesus to live in your heart?” We were both very young, but we both knew Jesus loved us and we wanted Him in our lives forever. What a blessing it was to be spared the pain of a lifetime/lifestyle of sin. I am so thankful for her heart and not worrying if we were too young to understand. I intend to teach my children about Jesus love and ask them, just as my Mom did, if they want to be a follower of Christ, to serve Him daily, to experience the life-giving joy that only faith In Him can give.

Pray for them and teach them to pray- My parents always protected time for us to pray: before every meal, before bed, before trips, before big events, in times of joy and in times of pain. I remember treasured moments sitting with my mom, holding her confident hands, and listening to her bringing her thanks, her heart's desires, and her pains to her Heavenly Father. I am thankful that I have heard her prayers and just as Christ taught His disciples to pray, she taught me how to approach the throne.

Be the memory keeper- I am constantly asking my mom about how things were when we were growing up. As a mother, she remembers details and puts them into perspective. Our Mom’s know our history- they can tell us where we came from and in a sense that can tell us where we are going.

Listen- My mom has always been a listener. She listens fully and completely to the things I have to say. She doesn’t interrupt and she doesn’t care if the subject changes- she continues to listen. Both she and I process ideas by talking them out, and having her to do that with is such a beautiful blessing.

Watch - A million times, my mom was asked to “watch, what I’m about to do”, or “look, what I just did” and I can’t remember a time when the answer was “no,” (maybe she said “just a minute” once or twice.) I have been blessed that my Mom has always been there to cheer me on, to pat me on the back, or say that she knew I did my best. Whatever the case, she was there- she showed up. At this point in motherhood, I am mostly called to “watch” Baby make a smile or look at the goo made in his diaper. These are small developments these days, but as he grows I look forward to the moments I can build his confidence and help him become strong and independent .

Encourage your babies to be brave- There are times in our lives that we have to do things for ourselves even if we don’t want to. Many times I’ve called on my Mom to help me find the inner strength to do the hard thing, and she has come through. I hope that I too will one day be able to display confidence in my kids, so that they can be brave and do the right thing- even if it’s hard.

Always be there to help- My Mom has the most gracious servant’s heart. I know no better hostess. My mom came down for a week to help Levi and me after Jesse was born. I thought I’d count how many times she sat down…total count: 0.  She spent the entire time working and helping us. (This is also very consistent with her sitting record from when I was growing up.) Right now, I find myself running toward each tiny fussy sound. I know the cries for help will change over the years, but I hope my reaction will always be the same, to take action and to be there as I'm needed. 

There is no way for me to acknowledge all my mom has done for me, so what I’ll do is pay it forward to my family.  

Happy Mother’s Day, one day late! I hope you told your Mom she’s THE BEST!!

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

The days since last Tuesday, when Jesse stopped gaining weight, have been some of the most trying in my life. Having a sick child can weaken you faster than any health issue of your own. We took a trip up to St. Louis with a lot of questions on our minds. What did these high enzyme levels mean? Were we going to be battling a chronic illness? Why is our little boy not gaining weight? Since Levi is a medical student, we know enough to be dangerous and not one of the diseases on the long list of those needing to be ruled out, were any good or easy to deal with; they were all pretty nasty.

We saw a gastrointestinal specialist at STL Children's Hospital. She had the sweetest heart and spent a lot of time with us going over test results and putting Jesse's history together. Basically, we found out that Jesse's enzymes were high because he was breaking down his fat stores; he was not getting enough nutrients from his feeding. He was, however, getting enough to stay hydrated and make poo. I was completely floored. I had been nursing him every three hours since the day he was born, it just didn't seem possible that he wasn't getting enough to eat! My heart was broken, as a mom; I had been doing everything possible for my little guy, but for a complicated interaction of many factors, it didn't equal a weight gain for Jesse. I also was overjoyed, as a mom, that there was nothing medically wrong with Jesse; he just needed to eat more! Talk about being on two ends of the emotional spectrum, which for me, ended in a puddle--or sea of tears. (I've had to drink extra water bottles to stay hydrated. Hehe.) 

While we were in STL, I got the chance to talk to a lactation specialist that really knew her stuff. I told her that Jesse would act satisfied after feedings, that he slept well, and would wake up when he was hungry. She said this is often what happens with babies with "easy" personalities and she explained to us that she saw babies like Jesse all the time in the NICU. They are so easy going that they would rather starve than let their parents know they are hungry! All of this caused my supply to go kaput so our lactation nurse helped us come up with a nutrition plan to help monitor Jesse's intake-- pumping every couple of hours and supplementing. 

This plan has made me feel like I'm the ringmaster of a three ring circus-- pump, feed, pump, wash bottles, change diaper, bathe child, pump, bathe self--if there's time, no one is crying, and Levi is home--, pump, feed...and this continues on. Levi has been so supportive during all this and has been taking over some of the night feedings. (The poor guy looks like a zombie when he wakes up...one night he actually fell down several stairs on the way to fix a bottle!) If anyone knows anything about pumping...you know that each drop is liquid gold! You tap the bottles for every single tiny drop and even then, wish your infant would lick the bottle. You don't want to see any of it go to waste. Anyway, Levi had fixed a bottle and was feeding Jesse and thought he had taken down a couple of ounces very fast, when he felt that Jesse was completely soaked. He had spilled 2 ounces on our child and I was MAD to the point of crying!! I was letting him know just how hard I had worked for those two ounces when we started laughing...enter the phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk." This phrase has stuck with me the last few days and has helped me remember to not feel discouraged or overwhelmed by this situation, but rather to wipe up the spill and move on. Don't look back, don't cry-- but put your head down and get to work!

I took Jesse in for his weight check today and as we walked toward the scale, our nurse told me we wanted to see 7 lbs 11 oz which would have been 1 oz per day. Levi had been praying for an "impressive" weight gain, and was I ever impressed!! Jesse had gained 22 oz! I was so excited and could not be more thankful to my ever faithful God and to an army of prayer warriors!!! God has heard our prayers and has answered with a resounding "YES, my child!" He reminded me-- Grace, I am keeping track of all your sorrows, I have collected all your tears in my bottle, I've recorded each one in my book. I am here for you, as I've always been, close enough to wipe the tears and to help you continue on. Check out Psalm 56:8-- he collects your tears too.

Is this a good idea? Is anybody out there? and a prayer request

Several months ago...well, I guess now it has been almost a year, a good friend of mine challenged me to start a blog. I wonder sometimes if she forgot about the challenge...but I sure haven't, and it's been on my heart ever since that day. So, Maggie, if you're out there somewhere in the great expanse, the first post has come to fruition and I'm starting a journey that I honestly didn't think would happen! "Why?" you ask, did I not start before? First of all, I was at a place in my life where I simply felt like I didn't have much to say, and who would care anyway? (Ha! Look how far I've come. I'm writing with no particular audience in mind and not even sure anyone will read this. For today, I will write to write, even If the only person who will read it is my own mother. Thanks Mom.) I guess, secondly, I was scared, am scared, and will continue to be a little bit scared of putting myself out there, but in a weird way I think God has brought me to this point for just that reason. I am the type to only share what I want other people to know and sometimes that has limited me in relationships. I confess, I do not plan to air all my dirty laundry with this blog, but I do intend to be honest. I really feel that God has been calling me in His own way to blog...that might seem weird, but I have been having this aching to write for some reason, and what better modern venue?!?

So with that confession, why don't I start with being real? 

Today I took my son (oooo, that was a new feeling! I think that's the first time I've written "my son") who is 6 weeks old to a doctor's appointment. A little backstory, Jesse had a bit of trouble gaining his birthweight back so we were going in for weight checks. After the 4th week of this and no change in plans and no significant weight gain or loss, Jesse lost an oz. and that was what "tipped the scales" as they say. Soooo began a really long day of drawing labs and waiting for calls. I have to say I felt for the poor phlebotomists...I was crying crocodile tears all over their poor blood drawring lab. The phlebotomists chickened out and sent us to the sweet pediatrics nurses to have them DRAW BLOOD OUT OF MY SON'S HAND AND HEAL AND HEAD!! But in all seriousness, they were so gentle and understanding to both me and my little guy; this was really a God send. And can we talk about how God took care of other details today too? I asked the sweet nurses if I could find a place to feed my sweet boy-- actually he was more like a rip roaring animal at this point because of all the running around. So they helped me find a room to feed him. When we were almost ready to leave a nurse came in to let us know they needed more blood from Jesse...the cells had broken down in the last draw. So thankfully we were still at the hospital. All this is to say, God was watching out for us and kept us at the hospital to make our day just a bit easier. Oh how He loves us and is ever faithful. 

The lab results revealed a high level of enzymes in his liver and not many other answers, so we will head to St. Louis Children's later this week for an appointment with a specialist. 

So as I sit and hold my hands on my tiny boy and pray for the fourteen millionth time for healing, growth, fat rolls, and chubby cheeks...I ask you to pray along with Levi and me, with faith.