Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

The days since last Tuesday, when Jesse stopped gaining weight, have been some of the most trying in my life. Having a sick child can weaken you faster than any health issue of your own. We took a trip up to St. Louis with a lot of questions on our minds. What did these high enzyme levels mean? Were we going to be battling a chronic illness? Why is our little boy not gaining weight? Since Levi is a medical student, we know enough to be dangerous and not one of the diseases on the long list of those needing to be ruled out, were any good or easy to deal with; they were all pretty nasty.

We saw a gastrointestinal specialist at STL Children's Hospital. She had the sweetest heart and spent a lot of time with us going over test results and putting Jesse's history together. Basically, we found out that Jesse's enzymes were high because he was breaking down his fat stores; he was not getting enough nutrients from his feeding. He was, however, getting enough to stay hydrated and make poo. I was completely floored. I had been nursing him every three hours since the day he was born, it just didn't seem possible that he wasn't getting enough to eat! My heart was broken, as a mom; I had been doing everything possible for my little guy, but for a complicated interaction of many factors, it didn't equal a weight gain for Jesse. I also was overjoyed, as a mom, that there was nothing medically wrong with Jesse; he just needed to eat more! Talk about being on two ends of the emotional spectrum, which for me, ended in a puddle--or sea of tears. (I've had to drink extra water bottles to stay hydrated. Hehe.) 

While we were in STL, I got the chance to talk to a lactation specialist that really knew her stuff. I told her that Jesse would act satisfied after feedings, that he slept well, and would wake up when he was hungry. She said this is often what happens with babies with "easy" personalities and she explained to us that she saw babies like Jesse all the time in the NICU. They are so easy going that they would rather starve than let their parents know they are hungry! All of this caused my supply to go kaput so our lactation nurse helped us come up with a nutrition plan to help monitor Jesse's intake-- pumping every couple of hours and supplementing. 

This plan has made me feel like I'm the ringmaster of a three ring circus-- pump, feed, pump, wash bottles, change diaper, bathe child, pump, bathe self--if there's time, no one is crying, and Levi is home--, pump, feed...and this continues on. Levi has been so supportive during all this and has been taking over some of the night feedings. (The poor guy looks like a zombie when he wakes up...one night he actually fell down several stairs on the way to fix a bottle!) If anyone knows anything about pumping...you know that each drop is liquid gold! You tap the bottles for every single tiny drop and even then, wish your infant would lick the bottle. You don't want to see any of it go to waste. Anyway, Levi had fixed a bottle and was feeding Jesse and thought he had taken down a couple of ounces very fast, when he felt that Jesse was completely soaked. He had spilled 2 ounces on our child and I was MAD to the point of crying!! I was letting him know just how hard I had worked for those two ounces when we started laughing...enter the phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk." This phrase has stuck with me the last few days and has helped me remember to not feel discouraged or overwhelmed by this situation, but rather to wipe up the spill and move on. Don't look back, don't cry-- but put your head down and get to work!

I took Jesse in for his weight check today and as we walked toward the scale, our nurse told me we wanted to see 7 lbs 11 oz which would have been 1 oz per day. Levi had been praying for an "impressive" weight gain, and was I ever impressed!! Jesse had gained 22 oz! I was so excited and could not be more thankful to my ever faithful God and to an army of prayer warriors!!! God has heard our prayers and has answered with a resounding "YES, my child!" He reminded me-- Grace, I am keeping track of all your sorrows, I have collected all your tears in my bottle, I've recorded each one in my book. I am here for you, as I've always been, close enough to wipe the tears and to help you continue on. Check out Psalm 56:8-- he collects your tears too.

Is this a good idea? Is anybody out there? and a prayer request

Several months ago...well, I guess now it has been almost a year, a good friend of mine challenged me to start a blog. I wonder sometimes if she forgot about the challenge...but I sure haven't, and it's been on my heart ever since that day. So, Maggie, if you're out there somewhere in the great expanse, the first post has come to fruition and I'm starting a journey that I honestly didn't think would happen! "Why?" you ask, did I not start before? First of all, I was at a place in my life where I simply felt like I didn't have much to say, and who would care anyway? (Ha! Look how far I've come. I'm writing with no particular audience in mind and not even sure anyone will read this. For today, I will write to write, even If the only person who will read it is my own mother. Thanks Mom.) I guess, secondly, I was scared, am scared, and will continue to be a little bit scared of putting myself out there, but in a weird way I think God has brought me to this point for just that reason. I am the type to only share what I want other people to know and sometimes that has limited me in relationships. I confess, I do not plan to air all my dirty laundry with this blog, but I do intend to be honest. I really feel that God has been calling me in His own way to blog...that might seem weird, but I have been having this aching to write for some reason, and what better modern venue?!?

So with that confession, why don't I start with being real? 

Today I took my son (oooo, that was a new feeling! I think that's the first time I've written "my son") who is 6 weeks old to a doctor's appointment. A little backstory, Jesse had a bit of trouble gaining his birthweight back so we were going in for weight checks. After the 4th week of this and no change in plans and no significant weight gain or loss, Jesse lost an oz. and that was what "tipped the scales" as they say. Soooo began a really long day of drawing labs and waiting for calls. I have to say I felt for the poor phlebotomists...I was crying crocodile tears all over their poor blood drawring lab. The phlebotomists chickened out and sent us to the sweet pediatrics nurses to have them DRAW BLOOD OUT OF MY SON'S HAND AND HEAL AND HEAD!! But in all seriousness, they were so gentle and understanding to both me and my little guy; this was really a God send. And can we talk about how God took care of other details today too? I asked the sweet nurses if I could find a place to feed my sweet boy-- actually he was more like a rip roaring animal at this point because of all the running around. So they helped me find a room to feed him. When we were almost ready to leave a nurse came in to let us know they needed more blood from Jesse...the cells had broken down in the last draw. So thankfully we were still at the hospital. All this is to say, God was watching out for us and kept us at the hospital to make our day just a bit easier. Oh how He loves us and is ever faithful. 

The lab results revealed a high level of enzymes in his liver and not many other answers, so we will head to St. Louis Children's later this week for an appointment with a specialist. 

So as I sit and hold my hands on my tiny boy and pray for the fourteen millionth time for healing, growth, fat rolls, and chubby cheeks...I ask you to pray along with Levi and me, with faith.